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 PREVIEW- Blood Lust Chronicles

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On a Scale of One (Awful) to Ten(LOVED IT), How Would You Rate This Attempt?
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Total Votes : 4
 

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Scarlet
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PostSubject: PREVIEW- Blood Lust Chronicles   Sat Dec 21, 2013 6:23 am

Here is the preview of the book I'm working on. Please respond to the poll, suggest, and discuss ideas you have to improve it! (Note that it lost it's formatting when I pasted it. Thoughts will be in italics, and I hope it's okay that I didn't re-edit it...)


Prologue

Coal Blizzard broke through the brush. The frozen ground bit at her paws as she fled from her past. She didn’t have anywhere to go, but she had to be gone. She had to get away from the dreadful place. The snow made her look like dark blotches in the white landscape. The cold air burned through her lungs as she gasped for air, but still she ran, she ran for all she was worth.

She was stopped dead in her tracks when she saw a black figure, another wolf, in front of her. Before she could think to hide, she had gotten too close. “What are you doing here?!” Snarled the pitch black wolf.       “Well I was running.” She barked, skidding to a stop. The other wolf narrowed his eyes, and snarled, “Not on my territory!”
Within moments, Coal found herself flat in the snow, with the larger male on top of her. As exhausted as she was, the adrenaline continued. A renewed energy surged through her body. In the balance of rage and fear, she pushed with her hind legs as hard as she could. Though her enemy barely moved, the action allowed her to jump to her feet and regain her balance. The two circled each other for several paces, each sizing up the other.
With each step, Coal saw her problems in the other wolf. Insults she’d had to suffer. Half Pet. Weak One. Worthless. Not Mine. She launched herself again. With satisfaction, she felt the other wolf give a little distance. The satisfaction abandoned her as she felt sharp teeth close in on her neck.

The fighting continued for a little while longer, more small wounds inflicted, more received. The two wolves split apart from their battle at the same time. They circled once again, but this time more submissively, and curiously. Finally, the brute spoke.
“You fight well.” He commented, “Why are you running?”
“It’s a long story.” She replied, “30 full moons of story.”
The male grunted. “You’re trespassing.”
“In which pack’s territory?” Coal retorted. “Every wolf knows this is the clearway between the territories. What gives you the rights to claim it?”
“I’m Blood Fang, that’s what.”
“And I’m…” Coal stood for a moment. “I’m Scarlet.”
“Well then, Scarlet. Where exactly are you going?”
“To find somewhere of my own.”
The brute sat down, his black pelt spotted with clumps of snow and fresh flakes. “Don’t suppose it would be any use- looking together, as friends.”
“Why? I thought this was the notorious Blood Fang’s territory.” She teased.
“Eh, he sighed. Time to move on.” He wheeled around and began trotting off in the direction Scarlet had first been running in. She followed, though she had no idea where it would take her; she knew it would take her away from that terrible place she had once considered home.

Chapter One

Scarlet looked around her den. The rock walls of the small cave allowed a slit of sunlight to stream over her black and white fur. Today is a special day. She thought to herself. I don’t know why, but today is different. What Scarlet didn’t realize, was today would be the first day in moons she’d felt accepted and respected. Her eyes gazed around her once more, wondering when the other wolves would wake up. She saw Blood Fang, his chest rising and falling every time she took a breath. Looking past him was Seriw. Though he was smaller in stature than the alpha male, Scarlet knew he was big at heart. Probably about as big as his snoring is loud. She thought to herself. Across from Seriw was Robin. The intriguingly colored she-wolf was smaller than Scarlet, and seemed to be in a world of peace as she slumbered. Scarlet knew every member of her rather small pack was strong, though they all had their weaknesses. She let herself soak up the spring time sun as her mind wandered to what was in store for her pack.
Blood Fang opened his eyes slowly then with a yawn he began to sit up. He turned towards Scarlet. She was the only wolf...well half wolf but that didn't matter to him. Scarlet was just like him, unlike his family; they were so much different. His father would snap at him or even abuse him when he had spoken of battle. "Scar, we need to organize a hunt or we could show the pack our territory. Since they have only explored part of our territory and the den." The brute flicked his tail then observed the pack. They would make a strong fighting force even at their little numbers. "Or...we could train these newbies or see what they’ve got. Their skills in battle that is." Blood began to make his way toward Scar and sat beside her as he waited for a response from the other Alpha. Blood Fang thought it was weird how everyone thought that he and Scarlet must be mates because they were both Alphas but that was not the case at all.
Scarlet turned to face Fang. "Let's show them the territory." She turned back to face her wolves and stretched her muscles. She walked to the middle of the den and barked "Alright, get up. We're going to get some fresh air." She swiftly moved the entrance, her curled black and white tail bouncing with anticipation at seeing the sun and feeling the spring grass on her paws. She couldn't wait to get out. Suddenly aware of her tail's bobbing about she made an effort to make it sit still. That's something only dogs do! She scolded herself. However, when she turned toward Blood Fang, she couldn't hide glittering excitement in her eyes.
Seriw woke up, stretched himself, and jumped energetically out of the den. He bowed Blood Fang and Scarlet and said "I'm ready!" Then Seriw noticed Scarlet's curled black and white tail. I wonder what happened to her tail, I guess it's just age or something like that. He thought.
Robin opened her left eye and grunted. She slowly got up and stretched. Her face was plain, as it always was. The she-wolf tilted her head, Wonder what we’re doing today... what I'm doing.... Robin dipped her head to the two Alphas, showing as much respect as she can. Robin isn’t the talkative type. Her pale yellow eyes were dull with complete sadness. She was still mourning the loss of her family, as well getting over the fact that she was raised captive for quite some time. The near-blind wolf woofed, "I-I'm ready..."
Scarlet stepped out of the den and blinked at the late morning sun. Its position above the trees cast a dappled shadow on the stone den. Scarlet shook herself to ward off the cool temperature. Nothing a good jog through the territory won't cure. She thought to herself as she padded out and felt the stone under her paws give way for dirt and grass. She turned to Blood Fang, “Where should we take them first?” She asked, her eyes bright, her muscles dying to run as fast as she could to any destination.
Blood Fang smiled seeing Scar excited and all she had wagged her tail but stopped quickly. She must have noticed it wagging. Blood Fang walked up quietly to Scar, then eyed the pack. He noticed a sad glint in Robin's eyes. He wasn't the one for cheering up so he ignored it and then his ears perked as Scar began to talk. "How about the Mountains?" He suggested
Seriw sniffed the place and looked around the territory, the sun was warming and the grass was beginning to sprout, he turned his head to Robin as he noticed she woke up, "Hi there, what's up! He asked.
Robin glared at Seriw, "N-Nothing really." She turned her head to the leaders. Mountains sound decent. I could possibly find some herbs... She thought, but didn't say.
“Mountains it is then.” Scarlet stated.
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PostSubject: Re: PREVIEW- Blood Lust Chronicles   Sun Dec 22, 2013 9:06 am

I'm gonna be honest, this really looks nice.  Wink

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PostSubject: Re: PREVIEW- Blood Lust Chronicles   Mon Dec 23, 2013 2:52 am

*Breathes deeply*
As soon as you said "I' gonna be honest" I was all like, *I hope it's something I can fix.*

Anyway, I found another problem:
Wolves just randomly popping into RP and then not logging in for weeks (Hey Fang.)
I mean, readers (if I ever got any) would be confused. Should I just write them in with my imagination, or have an alpha send them off to do something?
What do you guys think?
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PostSubject: Re: PREVIEW- Blood Lust Chronicles   Mon Dec 23, 2013 1:58 pm

Ok ok I'm gonna give some criticism. Smile

So I noticed that at some places you just copy/pasted the RP that I and Robin did, I think it makes it pretty weird that we suddenly see the feelings and thinking of others, IMO you should just write it the way the principal character or narrator sees it. If you got what I mean. But that's just an opinion. :>

And about your other problem, honestly I think it would be better if you write them in with your imagination. ;D

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Fly young waffle ! And never give up.. ~


Last edited by Seriw on Mon Dec 23, 2013 7:38 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Post was a bit messed up..)
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PostSubject: Re: PREVIEW- Blood Lust Chronicles   Mon Dec 23, 2013 2:49 pm

Yeah, almost all of the RP was pasted, and I changed a few words.
I think that would be better too, only I didn't want to offend anyone by making any one wolf the principle character...
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PostSubject: Re: PREVIEW- Blood Lust Chronicles   Thu Dec 26, 2013 1:35 pm

Nice, XD Sorry for my disappearance. Maybe you could post this story on wattpad! Very Happy I share an account with my sister xD >w<
http://www.wattpad.com/home

Shared account:
http://www.wattpad.com/user/IAmTheCheshireCat

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PostSubject: Re: PREVIEW- Blood Lust Chronicles   Fri Dec 27, 2013 3:56 am

Actually, Fang. I had more of the idea of publishing it as an E-book...
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PostSubject: Re: PREVIEW- Blood Lust Chronicles   Fri Dec 27, 2013 4:37 am

That'll be better xD lol

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